How Safe Individuals Can Support a Survivor: A Do's and Don'ts List
Hey there,
I want to say something that's been on my mind a lot lately.
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself and as a person who supports other survivors at Defying the Odds Now, a lot of people ask me this question: how can I help a survivor of childhood sexual abuse?
Wishing to do right by a survivor in your life says a lot about you as a person, and I'm glad you're here.
But I understand it can be overwhelming, and you sometimes do not know what to say or do.
As a survivor myself, and as a social worker and mental health therapist over the past eleven years, I have supported many survivors of childhood sexual abuse, from young children to people well into their 70s!
So let me share what I've learned from my healing and the countless brave souls I've had the privilege to work with.
What Survivors Need
Before we get into the Do's and Don'ts, I want you to know something very important: survivors are not made of glass.
We've survived things that would break most people, and we're still here. We're still fighting. We're still choosing to heal every single day.
What we need is for you to see our strength and not just our scars.
The Do's: How to Show Up for Us
Do Listen Without Trying to Fix
As a survivor, the last thing you want to be is told what to do, so when a survivor talks to you or shares their story, your natural inclination is to offer something to help.
I understand, it can be out of love and wanting to assist.
What I need you to understand, though, is that we are not expecting you to heal us. We want you to see us and to hear us.
There's incredible power in being heard without judgment or the pressure to feel better right away.
Do Respect Our Boundaries (Even When They Don't Make Sense to You)
The boundaries set by the survivors may appear to others to be random or unnecessary.
Perhaps we do not like to be touched unexpectedly. We may want to leave social gatherings early. We may not be ready for some movies or conversations.
These limits are not us being uncooperative; we are just looking after ourselves. And honestly, these boundaries embody miraculous growth and self-knowledge.
When I excuse myself from a conversation or when I decline to go out somewhere, I am not saying no to the person.
I am honoring my need to be able to feel safe and regulated. I have the greatest trust in those friends who respect this without my having to explain or justify my needs.
Do Be Consistently Present
Consistency is everything to the survivors. We have experienced unstable relationships, unmet promises and been harmed, most often by "loved ones," leading to huge barriers to trust.
Consistency does not necessarily imply being available at all times or that you are perfect. It just means doing what you promise. Say what you mean, mean what you say and be open and honest.
It involves you showing up often and not only during times of crisis.
It means you show up as the same person every time we interact with you.
I cannot tell you how healing it has been to have people in my life who are truly consistent.
They've helped rewire my understanding of what relationships can be.
The Don'ts: Well-Meaning Mistakes to Avoid
Don't Say "Let It Go" or "That Was Really Long Ago"
"That was so long ago." "You need to let it go." "Just focus on the positive."
Look, I know you want us to be free from our past.
Healing is not something we can choose to be done with because it has been X years. Healing doesn't even have an end date, actually.
When we say we should be beyond it by now, all we hear is that we're taking too much time and doing it wrong. This is not beneficial. This is not helpful.
Don't Make It About You
This is the tricky one, but let me repeat it for the folks in the back… don't make it about you!
It comes out of a real place of someone wanting to connect.
But when a survivor shares their experience and you immediately jump to your own story or how their trauma affected you then it only shifts the focus away from them.
There's absolutely a time and place for mutual sharing and connection. But when someone is being vulnerable about their trauma, let that moment be about them.
Don't Try to Silver-Line Our Experience
"Everything happens for a reason." "At least you're stronger now." "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."
No. Just no.
A child should not be abused. Period.
Trauma has no silver lining.
There's no lesson that was worth that price. No strength that required that kind of suffering.
Yeah, many of us gain strength in our healing. I do - having made my entire career out of it. However, we find that out for ourselves.
It's not something you get to point out to us while we're still bleeding.
So let's keep it simple. Survivors can narrate their experiences with silver linings all day, if they want. A safe individual trying to support a survivor cannot.
Building the Kind of Relationship We Need
What we need is a genuine relationship founded on trust, safety and heartfelt connection. Relationships full of empathy and void of sympathy! For more information on this part – I'd love for you to watch this video from Brene Brown on the difference between Sympathy and Empathy – the punchline, choose empathy… I'll speak for myself here, I do NOT need a single additional “I’m so sorry you went through that” in all of my days.
Instead, we need people who can hold space for all parts of our experience. The trauma and the triumph. The struggle and the strength.
We also need friends who empathize with our healing process and realize this has an impact on the way we present ourselves in our relationships, at our work and generally in life.
We require people who can rejoice with us in the success of our wins and who can sit with us in the trying times and not attempt to rush us through them.
Pro tip: If you are not sure what to say and are just feeling uncomfortable, silence is beautiful – truly.
Above all, we require connections with people in which we can be who we truly are, not the version of us who make other people feel comfortable, but the actual, layered, beautiful people that we are.
The Truth About Supporting Survivors
And this is what I want you to understand: to support a survivor is not only about how much you are giving, but it is what you are learning as well.
I have had some of the most genuine, honest, soulful relationships with human beings who have learned to hold a presence when I am in the healing process.
As you learn how to help a survivor better, you are learning skills that make you a better friend, partner, family member and human being in general.
You are being taught about survival, acceptance, genuine communication and how to love unconditionally.
The survivors that you surround yourself with have had to build phenomenal emotional intelligence, empathy, and strength.
We also get pretty good at reading people, making other people feel at ease, and dealing with complex emotions.
This is part of what makes trauma-informed coaching from someone who's actually been there so effective. I can understand because we've lived through it.
Moving Forward
If you are in a relationship with a survivor, whether as a friend, family member, partner, or colleague, thank you for caring enough to want to do this well.
You mean more to us than you imagine.
I see survivors every day at Defying the Odds Now who are completely rewriting their lives.
Building careers they love, relationships that fill them up instead of drain and infuriate them, futures they're excited about. And every single one of them has people in their corner who figured out how to love them right.
That's what changes everything.
Keep showing up. We need you.
With all of the love and passion in the world,
Aunastasia
Survivors - if you need support, my coaching sessions and upcoming October healing retreat are here for you.
